Burn!!!!

I have walked right in. Into the trap.

I came to work with S. He dropped me off at a junction, because then he had to take a different road.

I am so glad that I got off his car. So that I could cry my kohl lined already puffy eyes out.

I wanted to touch his hand that which was on the wheel. Strong brown hands. I wanted to kiss the corner of his eyes. The little place between the upper lip and the nose.

I have no idea what he was thinking the whole time. But I know what I was thinking. I was breathing the same air as him. And every breath I took, pricked my soul.

But I feel like he has changed. Something is amiss. He has become cold. Inhumanely cold.

I dream, and you break them. I love you, and you don’t 

 

 

What a bloody coincidence! (Pun so intented!)

I just finished reading this firecracker post and it has got my blood boiling. 

We are talking about the famous days of the month. Where it is justified for a woman to hack unpleasant people to death. Run them over. Shoot the crap of them. That’s exactly how I feel when I am having mine! And I am having mine! So watch it!!

My period is a bloody pain. Ok I gotta stop.

I have always made to believe that menstruation is bad. BAD. Its like a curse to be a women!

When my mum finishes doing her puja, and before giving the prasad, the first thing she will ask is, ‘ Are you clean’?

And that question gets me all the time. For 5 secs I am thinking what is she talking about?

What? I had bath today.

No, No, do you have your periods today?

And I ask always ask her, what is the connection? And she goes away mumbling.

In school, a friend once told me something that I still remember. That while she was menstruating, she accidently touched God’s photo, and then later, in the kitchen when her mum was cooking, she accidently spilled hot dal  on her. And then she said, ‘God punished me’!

 I thought she was really stupid.

Till the time I started to own my money, Mum forced me to wear cloth napkins. And to be honest, they hurt. And they used to be big, and it was lot of cloth, a shirt could be made of it. That big.  

 Its not that defending being tortured by periods. But I am asking why is it considered so bad.

Like MM said, in ancient times that menstruating women were basically asked to rest because they body go through changes and also the cramps being the reason. But its just twisted right now. Its like chinese whispers. The truth and the logical argument gets distorted and twisted as it passed down the generations.

But my future generation daughter or son are going to hear and the right things.

I get bad cramps, which makes me double over with pain. And I all I wanted to do is curl on mum’s bed. And she lectures me, saying, ‘There are so many women who work when they are menstruating, look at the maids, and the construction workers and office going ladies. Look at me. Have you ever noticed if I was menstruating. If I behaved like you, none of the members would get food’.

And I used to feel terrible. Like just giving lower back a little rest is like committing a sin.

Now I am feeling all warm, and the hormones or whatever are doing thier rollercoaster thing in me. Because today is my second day.

When I was younger, I stained a lot. And she made me wash the stains, in the middle of the night. And if my brothers or dad asked me what I am doing, I am was compelled to say, ‘Oh I am washing the nail paint marks’ Yeah in the middle of the damn night!

We had a new temple made at our native place. Everyone in my family went there and my cousins, and I was asked to stay back. Why?? Because apparently I am a girl, and leaking blood, which is given to me by GOD HIMSELF!!!!!

I am still pissed about that.

 Ok, time’s up, I have to go and change, the product that has made millions and given people a living, and that’s all because of women.  

 

 

HeHe..

Last night….

Beep….

Message recieved from S

HI, how are you feeling?

My Reply - I am good. Just little disillusioned right now. But everything else is fine.

Hmmmm…You know I am here for you. But just dont know what role to play.

My reply - Umm..how about a comedian? I really need a laugh right now.

He never messaged back.

I can so visualize him shaking that silky brown mop  head of his.

 

The number is 8.

 Tagged a loooong time ago by the ever sunny GoodDaySunShine

 Eight things I am passionate about:

1.Family - No guesses here. Family comes first always. Rest all later. Putting family first has done me a lot of good, as well as lot of harm. But they still stay at the top of the priority list.

2. Career: I am as ambitious as anyone can get. But I am pretty low on self motivation. But the ambition is there. I love to hang out with ambitious people. My friend are pretty lousy in that matter but I love them anyways!!

3. Cooking: Nothing too fancy or over the top. Just something nice and different.

5. Travel: I want to. But I dont know when and where.

6. Movies: Its, not like movies are my life or something, but I love watching movies. Lot of good and bad times in my life  associate with movies in some uncanny  way. Movies always have a way to make me think differently. Above and beyond. And also not to take myself so seriously.

8. Music: I knew a wierdo who did not like to listen to music. And when I learnt that about him, it was the last time I spoke or even saw him. You dont like music? You have not learnt to live….Basically you are dead. Dead as a stone. And cold as snow.

Eight things I want to do before I die:

1. Be happy. Really happy. No guilt. No thoughts about Karma. Just pure feel unadulterated bliss.

2. Sky Dive. I am not so happy about heights, but I want to experience the dizziness of being flung from 1500 ft from a plane.

3. Meet some old school mates, and tell them off for giving me a hard time in school. Even punch the day lights off some of them.

4.Give a good, healthy, full and a regretfree life to my future daughter/son  (I want a girl!)

 5.I want to be be sane enough and healthy enough to die on my own and not be a issue for my loved ones when I am old.

6. See the Himalayas. And Taj Mahal. And Niagara Falls.

7. Be confident enough to answer back anyone who hurts me.

8. And last but the least, I want to look like a dream, and after some years when I will / may / might  meet S, and silently tell him, ’Dude, you so missed the bus’!!! 

Eight things I say often:

1. Crap!

2. AReeeee Yaarrrr,!

3. Ooo Bhaisaab!

4. Om Sai Ram!

5. I can’t. I got work.

6. Aur, kya ho raha hai?”

7. Dimaag ka dahi!

8. That is so fucking cool man!

Eight books I have read recently:

I dont really remember 8 of them. But recently, I read, Bringing down the house, some magazines, Five point someone, Tales by Rabrindranath Tagore (book from my 6th grade syllabus) Waiting for Godot, Wide Sargasso sea and the Philip Pullman series ( I loved it!!)

Eight songs I could listen to over and over:

1. NewYork Nagaram - AR Rahman.

2. Everybody hurts-  R.E.M

3. Children - Robert Miles

4. Crazy - Seal

5. Thriller/ Billy Jean/ Man in the mirror - Micheal Jackson

6. Must have been love - Roxette

7. Ae zindagi gale laga le - Masoom  Sadma (Thanks Meera!)

8. Another brick in the wall - Pink Flyod / Love of the common people - Paul Young

Eight things that attract me to my friends:

Eight!!!? wow! I dont know about this one. I dont really think about stuff like this when I make friends..But, just to introspect what I really look in my friends, I will mention the eight things!

1.  Spontaneous and crazy

2. Love for music and dance.

3. Respect for family and for each other

4. Honesty. I mean, if I am behaving like a dork, I need them to tell me that, so that I can kick their ass and tell them to shut up!

5. I like who stick together, no matter what. Because dude, if you split the mad gang, we are coming after you!

6. Ability to laugh at oneself. And most importantly, at each other. (solemn head nod)

7. Help out plan pranks on  others. Really really mean and obnoxious kind of pranks. And who will let me drive thier cars!

8. And last, but not the least, who  answer my call, in the middle of the night, and hear my sobbing heartbreak story.

And can I mention, my friends are all that. And the prank part is totally true. We are a mean bunch of bastards!! lol!

 I tag anyone who wants to do this. Take it away guys!

 

 

 

Get off my drafts

I  wrote this yesterday, and it sat in my drafts, as it was finished. I am in no mood to write more, and also in no mood to let this sit anymore in my drafts. No mood at ALL!!

The past few days, have been normal. The graph never changed.

The only different thing happened is that, I got my eyebrows’ done. And Holy Jesus, it hurts. I could hear the hair being ripped off my tender skin. RrrrrippppppP!

I don’t do my eyebrows’ much. I like it the way they are. But apparently others dont like it the way they are.

Its been five years since I got them shaped. There was a little hairy bridge between my eyebrows…and it was soo cute! Its like Nokia. Connecting the eyebrows!

I am waiting for it to grow back!

There was close family function to attend, hence the torture on self. 

And I got my first facial too. Wow. I AM a grown up. 

Only if I would stop sniffing my nights away for a boy!!!

Tales of the Heart

I was never reckless with anyone’s heart, then why is mine used as a dart board?

No, No, I am fine. Doing quite better actually. Maybe its because I dont call up S, as much. But I still whine and pine for the son of a bitch. I don’t like his mother anyways.

I had to go for a close family function on Sunday, A N D  I looked like million bucks! And I was very uncomfortable. With the hair, shaped eyebrows, makeup, nice dress, earrings, bangles! I felt like a grown up

I was dying to get into my jeans and tshirt!

And was dying to see him, meet him, talk to him, hold him, feel his stubble on my cheek and the affection on my lips…..

Did I tell you that nowadays, he looks like million bucks too….

Dayymmm….Singlehood looks good on him!

He is so blind and stupid to see that we could Brangelina a run for their money!

I have stopped calling and begging.  But I still love him like that. And it still hurts like that.

I am wondering how the day will be, when I will be free from your love that you never gave.

 

 

 

 

I am here. But not quite

I dont know what to write anymore. But its all there in my head.

And its spinning all over the place.

Open Up

Today I got the 29th email, requesting and demanding that I unprotect my blog.

Wow.

What do I do now?

 

 

 

bleh bleh..

OMG..so many whiny posts’ back there.

I almost feel sorry for my self

 

I am wondering

You are going to be so relieved when I will stop calling you. And then I will fade away from your memory. Maybe you will get married to someone you love, and have your own kids. And then maybe, someone or something will remind me of you. Maybe a broken piece of glass. Or a rainy day. Or maybe a small child standing in the middle of a busy road unattended , looking lost.

Your mind will be free of me. Stress free. Free of the pressure of me. I know I am like a thorn in the gut for you. Cant throw up,can’t swallow.

I am wondering out aloud here, what would your life be without me? Smooth and great, I guess

And what would / is my life without you? Empty and empty

There are always two sides to a coin. And I know your side. But I dont understand it. Maybe I dont want to.

Please help me forget him….